I’ve been proposed to once before…. LAME! we broke up not to mention it wasnt real. wasnt what id expected. But i never wouldve though to have been actually proposed to by the man that broke my heart before anyone even got the chance to. The man, for 3 years I’ve been in love with. There wasnt a ring until afterwards. But he meant it. And i meant it when i said yes. What can i say? No? Hell no are you mad!! He got down on one knee, held my hand in his, looked me in the eyes and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We’ve been off for 3 years previous to that. In those 3 years, my life took a MAJOR U–Turm. Literally I thought I was in Hell or something. But anyways, my life changed blah blah blah, ok so yeah, I was different than I was when we were dating in high school. I’d been through a lot, emotionally. I was I guess you can say damaged. When Shawn (thats his name, Shawn) came back it was as if I was finally complete. As if everything felt right again. But then things started going wrong & I ended up going balistic. Nothing like a crazy psycho or anything. But I was irritated, and angry and paranoid and still hurt from him leaving me the first time we were together & then everyone else leaving. Yeah I had a lot still going through my head, that up until recently I finally told him how bad he hurt me. I wanted to go back to being the girl I used to be. The chill one he fell in love with in the beginning. The one who, even though i still do, spoke her mind regardless. The one who was always happy and laughing and you know had a great time. I remember her perfectly, as if it was yesturday. Shes gone, somewhat, she just stopped letting people walk all over her, telling her how to live her life. and making her feel like she’ll never be good enough. But it got to the point where, while in the process of editing the negativity out, she ended up editing out some of the positive things about her also. Personally I believe I’ll get back to being “That Girl” that I was previously, and “That Girl” that finally got to be who she wanted to be. Having the man that was there in the beginning really helped get some of her back. He’s my soulmate. The man of my dreams. Through thick and thin, I will always find myself completely and entirely in love with him. He honestly has no idea what and how much he means to me and how much I need him by my side. I’m absolutely more than estatic to know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me just like I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m blessed.
The past couple of months really took a toll on me, through the break ups, the make ups and the getting everything and shuting ups. I needed time. don’t ask what for, I guess you can say to regain myself…. by which it took me until recently to gain back, although not fully or entirely but some… either way, things have definitely changed. Some for the better, others for worse. But i did come to a realization as to what mattered most to me besides my future.
I realized that people these days dont know what the hell they want. In this particular situation, in relationships. Yall say you want this, this and that in a person but yet when you meet a person that has everything…. suddenly you don’t want it anymore. BUT have the nerve to later come out and say yea… i want that…. no… you had the opportunity and purposefully let it go and made up some LAME excuse as to why you let it go but in actuality it was YOU who wasnt ready and wasn’t quite capable of handling it. Your indecisiveness was what made you want to leave. You dont know what you want. We will wait… but have us wait long enough and continuing to give and take away our hope, eventually we will walk away. And once that’s done, its completely over. Moving on to the next.
It’s a depressive state.
No longer feeling the joy in life
More tears that I cry every night
Get put on meds
Or toughen it out
Fake a smile
Make it seem your life is all worth wild
Laugh now cry later
Fix your hair
Do your makeup
Friends night out
& don’t dare to talk about
It that’s how you make the pain go out.
I was angry. Not angry… Furious. I felt like if I didn’t calm down i would soon explode. I’ve never felt so angry towards anything or anyone in my life. I tried to calm my mentality. But the longer he talked the angrier i got. He thinks he “knows” me but he doesnt know anything about me. Nobody in this world understands me. Except one.. the man im in love with, who doesnt love me back. I need peace. And clarity. A place where i can be and do whatever i want without judgement. I know who i am & i have reasons for the way i act sometimes. Nobody realizes how much im hurting. I tried talking about it & was treated as a joke. So i stopped trying…..why does this have to be so hard? Ive been getting angry & snapping at everyone just about all the time. Im tired of being pushed around, being blamed for everything, feeling unwelcomed & like a idiot. Ive picked up alot pf bad habits in 2013 & i think ive reached my breaking point. Im being selfish unless i choose otherwise. Im going to be rude & a jerk to those who treat me that way. Im going to get mad & go off when im mad & not hold back anymore. Im going to do what i want….when i want & not ask a second opinion about it. Im going to finally live my life the way I want to.
Going to an interview for the first time is Soooo nerve wrecking. Honestly what do you do, or say. What are the key words that’ll help you get the job. So many interviews and not one have hired you. Any pointers or tips on how to land a job ?